Thinkingclearly – Key To Happiness.
The key to happiness isi meetingi ouri needs. Althoughi codependentsi arei veryi goodi ati meetingi the needsi ofi otheri people, manyi arei cluelessi abouti theri owni needs. Theyi havei problemsi identifying, expressing, andi fulfillingi theri needsi andi wants. They’rei usuallyi veryi attunedi otheri peoplei andi mayi eveni anticipatei theri needsi andi desires. Overi the years, theyi becomei soi usedi to accommodatingi othersi thati theyi losei the connectioni to theri owni needsi andi wants.
Thisi patterni startsi ini childhood, wheni ouri needs, especiallyi emotionali needs, werei ignoredi ori shamed.Asi childreni wei hadi to adapti to the needsi ofi ouri parents, whoi mayi havei beeni physicallyi ori mentallyi ill, addicted, ori justi emotionallyi ori physicallyi unavailable. Somei ofi usi hadi to adapti to the wantsi andi expectationsi ofi ai selfishi ori controllingi parenti justi to survive. Afteri ai while, ratheri thani bei disappointedi ori shamedi fori noti gettingi ouri needsi met, wei tunei themi out.
Asi adults, wei can’ti stopi ourselvesi fromi sacrificingi ouri needsi andi wantsi ini relationships, ofteni ati the expensei ofi ouri owni happiness. Ati firsti wei mayi bei motivatedi byi love, buti beforei longi we’rei resentfuli asi ouri discontenti andi imbalancei ini the relationshipi grow. Withouti recovery, wei mayi believei the problemi residesi onlyi ini ouri selfishi partner. Ifi wei leavei the relationshipi buti haven’ti reclaimedi ourselves, we’rei sadi to discoveri thati wei don’ti knowi whati wei wanti ori whati to doi withi ourselvesi excepti to geti into anotheri relationshipi fast!i Otherwise, the underlyingi emptinessi andi depressioni thati wei werei unawarei ofi willi arise.
Why Meeting Needs Matters
The reasoni it’si importanti to satisfyi ouri needsi isi becausei wei feeli emotionali paini wheni they’rei noti met. Youi mayi bei ini paini andi noti knowi whyi ori whichi needsi arei noti beingi fulfilled. Wheni ouri needsi arei met, wei feeli happy, grateful, safe, loved, playful, alert, andi calm. Wheni they’rei not, we’rei sad, fearful, angry, tired, andi lonely. Think abouti howi youi meeti ori don’ti meeti youri needs, andi whati youi mighti doi to starti meetingi them. It’si ai simplei formula, thoughi difficulti to carryi out:
Meet Our Needs takes us to Feel Good
Ignore Our Needs outcomes Feel Bad
Oncei youi identifyi youri emotionsi andi needs, youi cani theni takei responsibilityi fori meetingi themi andi feelingi better. Fori example, ifi you’rei feelingi sad, youi mighti noti realizei you’rei lonelyi andi havei ai needi fori sociali connection. Eveni ifi youi do, manyi codependentsi isolatei ratheri thani reachi out. Oncei youi knowi the problemi andi the solution, youi cani takei actioni byi callingi ai friendi ori planningi sociali activities.
Wei havei manyi needsi thati youi mayi noti havei considered. Althoughi somei ofi usi arei goodi ati meetingi physicali needs, wei mayi noti bei ablei to identifyi emotionali needsi ifi thosei werei ignored. Herei arei somei needs.
- Mental:i Knowledge, Awareness, Reflection, Clarity, Discernment, Stimulation, Learning and Comprehension
- Autonomy:i Independence, Empowerment, Self-knowledge, Boundaries, Freedom, Solitude and Courage
- Emotional:i Acceptance, Affection, Bei understood, Support, Trust, Nurturing, Love, Grieving, Joyi andi Intimacy
- Physical:i Safety, Shelter, Medicali Care, Water, Air, Sex, Health, Food, Movementi andi Pleasure
- Integrity:i Authenticity, Honesty, Fairness-Equality, Confidence, Meaning, Pride, Self-worth, Appreciation, Valuesi andi Self-respect
- Expression:i Purpose, Self-growth, Self-expression, Creativity, Humor, Play, Passion, Assertivenessi andi Goals
- Social:i Family, Friendship, Cooperation, Reciprocity, Community, Reliability, Communication, Generosityi andi Companionship
- Spiritual:i Meditation, Contemplation, Reverence, Peace, Order, Gratitude, Faith, Hope, Inspirationi andi Beauty
Identifying Your Wants
Somei peoplei recognizei wants, buti noti theri needs, ori vicei versa, andi mayi geti themi confused. Ifi ouri wantsi werei shamedi growingi up-ifi wei werei toldi wei shouldn’ti wanti something-wei mayi havei stoppedi desiring. Somei parentsi givei childreni whati theyi thinki theyi shouldi havei ori makei themi doi activitiesi thati the parenti wantsi andi noti whati the childi wouldi like. Insteadi ofi pursuingi ouri owni desires, wei mayi accommodatei whati otheri peoplei want. Doi youi resenti someonei fori alwaysi gettingi hisi ori heri way, buti don’ti speaki upi andi advocatei fori whati youi want?i Makei ai listi ofi youri desires. Don’ti restricti themi byi youri currenti limitations.
Recovery meansi implementingi the abovei positivei needsi formula. Iti includesi fulfillingi youri healthyi desires. Wei becomei responsiblei to ourselvesi andi developi enoughi self-esteemi to makei ourselvesi ai priority.
First, youi havei to findi outi whati youi needi andi want. Then, valuei it. Thinki abouti whyi it’si important. Ifi wei don’ti valuei ai need, wei won’ti bei motivatedi to meeti it. Ifi iti wasi shamedi ini childhood, theni wei willi assumei thati wei cani foregoi it. Manyi peoplei don’ti fulfilli theri goalsi ori dreamsi becausei theyi werei ridiculedi growingi up. Similarly, ifi grief, sex, ori playi werei shamedi ori discouraged, wei mighti assumei thesei weren’ti validi needs. Next, figurei outi howi to filli thati need.
Finally, somei needsi requirei couragei to stretchi ourselvesi to meeti them, suchi asi self-expression, authenticity, independence, andi settingi boundaries. Otheri needsi arei interpersonali andi requirei couragei to aski otheri peoplei to meeti them. Wei cani onlyi doi thisi ifi wei valuei ourselvesi andi ouri needsi andi feeli entitledi to havei themi met. Iti alsoi helpsi to learni to bei assertive.
Recoveryi takesi encouragementi andi supporti fromi othersi andi usuallyi counseling, too. Thisi mayi seemi daunting, buti starti simplyi eachi dayi byi journalingi andi attuningi to youri feelingsi andi youri body. Takei the timei to aski yourselfi whati youi wanti andi need. Starti listeningi to andi honoringi yourself!
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